Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
