I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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