Who wears a wallet chain?!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
