how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
