My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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