We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
