i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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