Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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