i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
