ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
