Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
