I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
