There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine