I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms