so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
