im six kinds of drunk right now
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
