Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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