shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
