Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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