Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
