Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
