Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
