I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
