I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i now understand why vodka
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
