I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
