Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
