8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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