Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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