I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
