Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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