I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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