I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
