i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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