I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i think my cat just said my name.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
