you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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