Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
