Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
