I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
