i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
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Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
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I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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