We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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