Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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