my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
