my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fuck appropriateness.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
