her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
