My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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