um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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