I faked an abortion last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
