No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
