How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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