i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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