I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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