New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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