i think my mom watched the whole time
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
