everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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