drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm getting married
To pizza
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
