Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
